OK, I need to get this out while I still can.
I know that I will probably be judged and told what an idiot I am, but that is me, I guess, and if I am.........so be it.
I have been completely honest on this blog so far....why stop now.
I don't know if this will help anyone and I pray it doesn't hurt anyone, but here it goes......
Yesterday was when it started.
A few days ago they exchanged my mattress because it was drooping and it was covered under a warranty. So they do an even exchange and everything was great.
Then yesterday I asked them if they can do the same with the frame because it was broken underneath and actually came that way. I have had both of them for a couple years.
He said, because of the issues I was having, that he was going to do it.
So I see this incredible frame. This is almost exactly what it looks like.
So I tell him, I would like to exchange it for this one.
He drastically discounted it for me. But I still had to pay $500. I don't know what I was thinking.
So I said "OK" and he orders it. Mind you, this is just yesterday.
So the delivery guys show up the same day to deliver it. He says
"Can I see the room it is going into?"
I bring him in and he says
"What is that other frame for?"
"It is the one I'm returning."
"They don't show this as an exchange."
He calls the guy and the guy said "Yeah, I couldn't do it as an exchange so I just reduced the other one by a ton."
So they said I can keep the old one. (Which looks brand new)
My son, who is 6 feet tall and sleeping on a twin mattress is ecstatic! He now has a beautiful bed frame for a QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS. (which he doesn't have!)
So, today I go and buy him one.
Ok, so I have spent $500 for the frame..........that I didn't need. (even with a great deal!)
I spent $150 on his mattress (my mom gave him $250 for Christmas and he wanted a bed set for it, but the least priced one was $400!)
Then it got better............I am such an IDIOT!!! Yes, I know how stupid I am.
I had it on my calendar that there was a trunk show for one of my favorite handbag designers, Sally Spicer.
She is a local San Francisco designer, but is known nationally.
Anyway, so I go to my grandparents this morning and watch them. My grandmother was so bad today. She kept changing her clothes into different things, like her housecoat. Then she hid her glasses and I had to search forever. (I finally find them under the bed) I give her a shower and while my heart is breaking that she is more dependent now than a child, I dry her off, get her dressed, brush her hair and have her sit down. This is a woman that worked during the great depression, was an incredible force behind all my successes I have ever had in my life. My grandparents were the ones in my life, that I wanted to be proud of me more than anyone. It is so hard to see them this way.
So, after spending the day there, I got a short break to run to the trunk show. I show up there and look at some of the items. Just to get back to normal. I knew I was watching my grandparents and would want to do something and be around people who make me feel normal again. It was crazy. People were grabbing the bags. And they aren't cheap. Cheaper than most, but definitely not TARGET! So I have this one bag in my hand and I am talking to this woman, telling her how I love the bags and the designs and I ask her which fabric she likes out of these two fabrics. She says
"That is so hard for me to say."
Then she says something that almost made me PASS OUT!
"It's hard since I am the one that chose all these fabrics."
I HAD BEEN TALKING TO SALLY SPICER FOR A HALF AN HOUR AND HAD NO IDEA!!
That part of my day REALLY AMAZED ME! Considering the rest of it was so downhill.
I told her how much I loved her bags and the designs and fabrics were wonderful! It was such a great talk we had!
So, anyway...............I have this bag in my hand and these two girls, who had just bought 6 BAGS, I REPEAT 6 BAGS AT $85 A POP!! Is staring at me.
So I go inside and look at the mirror with the bag.
They follow me in, keeping a bit of a distance. But not so far that I can't hear what they are saying.
One girl on the cell phone "Yeah, we got six and I am eyeing this one girl (ME) with another one."
I see them talk to the saleslady, who then comes up to me and says
"If you don't want that bag, they are going to buy it."
OK, did I tell you I didn't even like it?
I looked at it because Sally (not on first name basis but sounds good anyway) tells me she has the same bag. (Um, yeah.........SHE OWNS THE FREAKIN' COMPANY, MORON, SHE OWNS THEM ALL!)
So, that, along with the fact that these two girls are drooling all over the counter waiting to find out if I buy it or not...........yep!! The idiot, that is me, rings it up!!
$85 for something I know I will NEVER EVER use. DID I SAY NEVER EVER!! I MEAN NEVER NEVER EVER USE!!!!
I get it in the car and drive off. As I am going down the street I am starting to freak out!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY DID YOU DO THAT??
So what do I do??
Yep, I turn around and go back to the store.
Have you ever returned anything 15 minutes after you bought it?
I go in and they say
"Are you still here?"
"Yes, actually, I want to return this. I know that girl wants it more than me, so I am returning it so she can have it."
"Great! I have her phone number, I will call her now and let her know."
So that one was taken care of.
So here is how I feel after telling you all of this.
I wanted to give you the whole story so you can hopefully understand why I am telling you what I am going to tell you now.
I have spent the last one year, one month, and a few days working so hard to change the exact behavior that I just did over the last two days. I FINALLY get out of debt and what do I do??
I have the debt payment amount in my account, that FOR ONCE, I don't have to use to pay the debt, and what do I do??
I BLOW IT ON CRAP!!
I know the items are nice and all, but the only thing that I should have spent on, out of all of that, is the money for my son's mattress. Nothing else.
I just WASTED hundreds of dollars, that I can't return!
Right now, I feel like such a failure.
I know I am not in debt, and that I won't do this again (I pray), but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like the world's biggest loser and that I will have nightmares that I am going back to the way I used to be.
I feel like I don't deserve to be debt free. When all of my friends and people I love are owing so much. That I feel guilty if I have any kind of money. If I have money, I should be helping others that need help. So I spend it. On myself, on my friends, on strangers.
I know that isn't what I should feel, but I honestly don't know why. Why shouldn't I feel this way?
Why should I have money when others don't?
I am so afraid that I will go back to my old ways, so that I won't feel guilty about having money. Even a small amount.
So now I have no money in my account and no way to return any of this stuff.
It will be fine. My husband will get paid on Monday and we will make ends meet, but that isn't the point at all.
If I can't get over the fact that I don't feel I deserve to be financially secure, then how am I going to do this??
I'm sure you don't understand. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but this is me........take it or leave it.
Maybe I am a trainwreck. I feel like it right now.
UPDATE: My son came in here and was so happy about his room. He thanked me and told me how much he loves me. It made it all worth it. He is going to sleep so good tonight and we spent the whole day together. His room is spotless and he cleaned it all on his own. I am so proud of him. He is straight from Heaven~
Thank you so much you guys. I wouldn't make it without your encouraging words. I started a scrapbook about my blog. I will share it with you later.
Love to ALL!!
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